‘Can you play baby shark?’ Repeat for 68 hours. Ask someone to cough in your eyeball. Poo with the door open.’: Mom hilariously points out how to ‘prepare for children,’ warning you’re not ready

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“How to prepare for children:

Buy bananas, buy five freaking bunches. Eat them all. Whatever. Just make them disappear in a day.

Then buy more bananas the next day. The same amount if not more…and watch them go moldy. Slowly. Say out loud ‘why doesn’t anyone want the bananas now?’

Cry.

Play baby shark on repeat for 68 hours.

Every time you pick up a phone, ask someone to ask you ‘Can you play baby shark’

Watch obscure things on YouTube like freaky cartoons with catchy songs in between baby shark. Always go back to baby shark.

Bring a bull into a supermarket with you. Let it go and apologize to people as it runs pass them, bucking. ‘He gets angry when not fed and hates movement’

Buy 4 pairs of huge underwear that come up to your neck, poke holes in them, wear them interchangeably

Ask your whole street for their washing, and begin doing their laundry. Ask them to wear and dirty it as soon as it’s folded.

Bite all the apples in your fruit bowl and put them back.

Clean the house, disinfect it, then smear yoghurt on the floor

Ask someone to cough in your eyeball.

Poo with the door open. FaceTime your friends and get them to ask you about your day while you strain.

Cover yourself in sour milk.

Try to unwrap a lollipop in 3 seconds flat. Set a loud timer that screams at you if you fail.

Buckle up an octopus in a car seat.

Get three monkeys and drive around with them. Give them popcorn and honey.

Make a snack every 7 minutes.

Go to bed

Get up again

Go back

Get up… go back, get up, go back, get up. Smash your toe into something really hard.

Pee yourself.

And now you’re 10% ready.”

Courtesy Laura Mazza

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza, where it originally appeared. Follow Laura on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more from Laura:

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