“I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. And it brought on a wide range of confusing emotions. I’m not sure whether I was more relieved or deeply saddened.
I have PCOS, which is why my husband and I struggled for years to conceive on our own before having our triplets. I’ve always had irregular periods and never ovulated on my own. After the triplets were born, we decided to continue using no protection because I haven’t really been worried about getting pregnant (and I always thought if I ever did, it would be a full-blown miracle).
My period eventually came back about a year after their birth and continued to be irregular until about 6 months ago. My cycle started coming every 35ish days, which was AMAZING!!! I’ve never experienced anything consistent like that in my life and this blew my mind to see my body actually ‘working.’ Even though I was experiencing some regularity, I didn’t think I was ovulating. But when I expected my period to come this month, it didn’t come.
I waited a week. Another week. And another week. I started to get a bit worried that maybe I was pregnant. In that waiting I kept thinking, ‘It will probably come tomorrow.’ But tomorrow kept coming and my period kept not coming.
I was excited about the possibility of having another baby and equally terrified. We have talked about having another baby, just not now. I also had some complications that put my life at risk when the triplets were born, and I fear it happening again. There were so many emotions.
Anyways, I finally went to Target and got a pregnancy test. I told no one. And waited a couple more days.
Then I got enough courage to just take the test.
Relieved and sad all at once. Such strange feelings. Part of me felt like I was pushed back into my infertility. My body was broken just like it has always been. I knew those thoughts weren’t helpful, but my mind was stuck there for a few days. I felt so silly for feeling all these emotions. I knew in my heart, regardless of whether I was ready to have another baby now or not, I would love that child with every ounce in me. And that filled my heart with so much joy. And equally, at the same time, the thought of having another baby was as terrifying.
I told my husband Ry casually over dinner while our kids were also trying to talk all at the same time. Poor timing probably, but I hadn’t told anyone and just needed to get it off my chest. I could tell I took him by surprised. ‘I thought I was pregnant, but I’m not. And now I am just feeling all these things!’ My eyes were filling with tears. I hated how emotional I was getting over this. He was shocked. Relieved. Not quite as sad as I was. He held me in his arms, which is all I really needed at the time because my heart just was working through all these strange feelings.
My period finally came. It was heavy, crampy, and kind of miserable.
And here I am, still in a funk. However, what I’ve learned from talking about these confusing feelings is they are more ‘normal’ than anything. I am not alone. You are not alone. Welcome to Motherhood and the strange feelings and emotions that come with this journey.”
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This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Desiree Fortin of California. You can follow her journey as a mom of triplets on Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.
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