‘I started the dishes, but the toddler pooped her pants, so I had to change her. Do you know toddlers can produce purple poo after eating blueberries? I didn’t until I called 911.’

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“Dear husband, I want to tell you why the dishes aren’t done, and why one day I might throw them all out the window.

You see, I started the dishes, but half way through the toddler pooped her pants, so I had to change her. Do you know toddlers can produce purple poo after eating blueberries? I didn’t until I called 911 – the lady called me an abomination, anyway, those dishes…

So, I noticed that all her toys were scattered everywhere so I started putting them away, when there was a cry in the bedroom. The baby had woken up. So, I thought, I’ll quickly make him a bottle after I wash those dishes, but oh wow he smelled a little like cheese, not quite blue cheese, but definitely cheddar, aged cheddar that would pair with a nice Shiraz, which I’d drink but I’ve got no wine glasses left, because I haven’t washed them…

I thought I should run a bath for him, but noticed the bath was dirty so I started to clean it, then remembered there was towels in the dryer. Took the towels out, and loaded up a new load of washing and began folding, I’ll use this dish towel to wipe the dishes clean…

Oh crap… I gotta get laundry powder, maybe I’ll buy them online because there is nothing I’d rather do than go to the shops with the kids. I open the internet browser and see ‘online insurance claim’ Oh yeah, forgot about the crack in the car window… Better finish that claim off and get it fixed. Wonder if it’s free? I might call them… dial number… 10 minutes on hold? Hmm might just do it online. – ain’t nobody got time for that! I gotta wash those dishes!

Where’s the computer… I’ll do it online properly, trip over LEGO… who the frick left this here? ‘Kids!! Come clean up your mess.’ Ahh I know they won’t do it… start picking up LEGO. Oh, crap a spider! I really should call an exterminator. Why won’t you just let me get an exterminator? What’s with men and hiring help?

I also walked into the bedroom four times and stood there for a while. Can’t remember what I was going to do. I even said it out aloud, to no one of course. Maybe it was washing the dishes, but there’s no dishes in the bedroom, silly…

Oh yeah you sent a text, forgot to reply, better check it. Think I’ll boil the kettle, should make a bottle, oh yeah, the text… Reminder to pay the bill. Ahh crap, that other fine is overdue? Where is it?

Rummage through boxes, oh wow! Photos from my high school… better take a photo and show my friends… okay, but first, dishes! Hmm, wonder when our next catch up is meant to be? Better text Stef… oh crap… did I reply to Diana? I can’t remember. Gosh I’m a bad friend. I should google ‘how to be a better friend’…

Hmm oh crap, yeah that claim. Ohh and that bill. Oh yeah and the fricken dishes. Uh. I need a personal assistant. Her name should be Shelly because Shelly’s gets crap done and talk to the manager. Where did that spider go? Better not lay eggs in my head at night. Wonder if that’s possible? Better google that. ‘Hey!! Don’t stick those toys in the toilet!!’

‘Stop eating that dirt’… better make them lunch. Oh, crap the dishes. Hmm what’s that smell! Is it the shower? Better clean the shower. Have I showered? *sniff tests* oh wow… must have been me… but no time for hygiene, better baby wipe that stink. Oh crap, running out of wipes. Add that to the list of online shopping. Hmm? What else do we need, better check the cupboard. Oh yeah should make lunch while I’m there. I should really eat salad. Bleh. Salad. Can you lose weight eating cookies? I wonder if there’s a cookie diet? I’ll google.

Oh no, who’s crying? Oh, crap yeah, the cheesy baby. Did I feed him? Better do that. Oh crap, no clean dishes… better wash those damn things.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza of Mum on the Run, where it originally appeared. Submit your story here, and subscribe to our best love stories here.

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