‘I stood in our doorway. After 9 years together, these are the final days of just me and Jake. With an aching I can’t shake, our lives are far from perfect.’

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“While getting ready for bed tonight, I stood in our bathroom doorway brushing my teeth and taking in the scene before me.  My husband Jake sat propped up in bed reading. Our German Shepherd was passed out on his dog bed; and our Lab, eyed me lazily from where he laid stretched out on my side of the bed.  It’s not an unusual scene at the Moore house. On any given night, this is our normal.

Courtesy of Makenna Moore

Tonight though, I saw it as if for the first time and it hit me – these are the good old days.  My man, this bedroom, that quilt, those dogs.  These are the moments I never want to take for granted or forget.  So, I stood there a little longer, toothpaste and drool stealthily escaping my mouth, memorized by the view I’ve seen a thousand times and tucked it away in my heart.

There will come an evening when Jake and I reminisce about these nights. Reminisce about our overweight, snoring, bed-hog of a lab.  About the quilt that’s kept us warm every night for the past 7 years that’s beginning to fray and pull at the seams. About our German Shepherd who wakes us up each morning with his hot, stinky breath in our faces.  This is our everyday and most days pass by without giving it a second thought.  Tonight though, my heart is happy and heavy and filled with an aching I can’t shake, knowing that these nights won’t last forever.

These are the good old days.

Courtesy of Makenna Moore

Now let’s pause for a second and set the record straight – our lives are far from perfect. We’re not a living hallmark movie. We’ve walked through plenty of days when leaning on Jesus and each other was all that got us through.  No matter how hard Instagram and social media try to convince us otherwise, everyone is fighting a battle.  Some battles are public, some are private, but we’re all fighting battles just the same. I’ve yet to close a chapter in life where joy hasn’t mixed with hurt at some point or another.  At every corner though, God has been so so good, and I can look back at it with a smile.  That’s the beauty of it I think- to find the beauty in the mundane, joy through the pain, and to live each day fully.

Courtesy of Makenna Moore

I am striving to find a healthy balance in holding onto the memories of the past, focusing on the beauty in today, and looking forward to the hope for tomorrow.  When life in the present gets heavy, it’s easy for me to get caught up in the ‘good old days,’ and simpler times. Time has a way of romanticizing things, and that’s where I really have to be intentional with the direction of my thoughts.  When I live in the past good old days, I miss out on my present good old days.

While I write this, I’m 5 1/2 months pregnant. I was on the pill for six years. It was great, or so I thought. It wasn’t until going off the pill I realized what it was doing to me. My libido was essentially non-existent by the end of it and I didn’t feel like ‘me’ anymore, but I couldn’t figure out why. After going off it though, I felt more alive and like myself than I had in years.That feeling lasted about a month. I had a period right off the bat and then zip, notta for three months. I broke out, gained weight, my hair became dull and greasy, and it was falling out in clumps in the shower. I was so sure I must be pregnant. So I took a test, and another, and another… all negative. Those months were some of the darkest in my life.

Three doctors and six months later, we found a doctor who genuinely cared and wanted to treat the problem rather than put a bandaid on it. PCOS. I wasn’t shocked by the diagnosis. I had been reading up on it for a few months by that point.  I was, however, shocked by the lack information regarding PCOS. It was a huge relief though to have some answers and the next several months involved a change in diet, detox, medications prescribed and dosages tweaked as we went. The next month – two pink lines! We were pregnant!

I’m over the moon excited to meet our baby, sad for the chapter of our lives that is ending, and altogether thankful.  I don’t want to rush these next few months and miss out on the here and now, and I don’t want to live in the past and miss out on today.  After 9 years together, these are the final days of just me and Jake.  Nine wonderful, hard, happy, adventure filled years.  So, I’ll soak in our everyday every chance I get.  Dogs snoring, my husband reading, me brushing my teeth *and drooling* and the baby kicking.  Cause these, my friends, are the good old days.”

Courtesy of Makenna Moore

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Makenna Moore. Follow her journey here and here. Submit your story here. For our best love stories, subscribe to our free email newsletter.

Read more about Makenna’s infertility journey here:

‘My hair became dull and greasy, falling out in clumps in the shower. I was on the pill for 6 years. It wasn’t until going off the pill I realized what it was doing to me.’

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