‘I want to have an affair. I think about it every day. I want to have secret conversations, ‘I can’t wait to touch you.’

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“I want to have an affair.

I want to have secret conversations during the day. I want to write more than ‘sugar, coffee, milk and dog food’. I want to write, ‘I can’t stop thinking about you’ or ‘I can’t wait to touch you’

I want to feel desired. I want to receive text messages that will make me blush and feel weak. I want to be told I’m beautiful. That I look sexy in those pants. That I’m so wanted I make him weak.

I don’t want to feel like someone’s mother, like I’m arguing over socks on the table, or who gets more sleep. Like I’m scolding someone to do things a correct way. I don’t want to say or hear ‘I’m too tired tonight’ of every day or every week. I want the fireworks and the passion.

I want to feel like I’m not invisible. Like I’m more than a roommate to someone. That when I’m seen, I’m not seen through. Like I’m not a copilot but a passenger in the mile-high club. I think about it every day.

I want to have an affair, but it’s not what you think. I want to have an affair with my husband.

I want him to hear it when I say it and that I mean it. Because we need it.

Because three kids later and it’s exhausting, and our relationship hasn’t just been put on the back burner, it’s forgotten. We are too exhausted to love each other. I don’t need it to feel like a new relationship, because what we have is so much deeper… I don’t need just lust, because we have love. But I want that connection again and I want that spark. I want to have an affair with the man I married, because I love him, because every day I wake up he is still the first person I think of. I don’t want that every time I bring it up that it’s time to fight. I want him to know it’s not his fault, or mine… it’s just time… and I don’t want to wait until it gets away to have us back.”

Laura Mazza

 

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza of Mum on the Run, where it originally appeared. Submit your story here, and subscribe to our best love stories here.

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