“I was 3 months postpartum and we booked a hotel for our first night away since the triplets were born.
It felt like there was so much pressure leading up to the night. I was so nervous to have sex. I was not in a good place mentally, it was the peak of my postpartum depression. My body was still very much in its postpartum. My boobs seemed to constantly leak milk. I was pumping around the clock and I struggled to feel beautiful in my new body. I was afraid of disappointing my husband sexually and ruining our sacred alone time together that we had been needing so desperately.
Maybe for some women, sex after you birth a child is magical and amazing. But for me, it couldn’t have been further from the truth. I can’t be the only Mom out there who felt like this after giving birth? I wish I could have been more prepared or even offered myself grace instead of pressure for all my feelings.
I will spare you the details, but let’s just say it ended with me crying and feeling even more insecure. I carried so much pressure for the night itself. We couldn’t have sex during my pregnancy because I was so high risk, so needless to say, it had been awhile. I struggled to feel attractive and was worried about how it would feel down there. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me cringe. I was so embarrassed and feel blushed just sharing with you.
Fortunately, I have a very loving and gracious husband who never saw my body for the way I saw it during my postpartum: unattractive and disgusting. He has always seen the beauty in me and has continually spoken beauty over me.
On our first night away post-babies, I realized a lot about intimacy. I sat in the bath tub and cried so hard with Ryan by my side. He affirmed me and told how much he loved me, how beautiful I was. He also told me he was worried about my depression and anxiety and that he would be by my side to see me through. Little did I know that was the kind of intimacy we needed that night, a deep level of connection. Ryan’s compassion, love, and grace over this night we shared together was exactly what I needed.
Sex after childbirth may not be amazing and it’s okay. Maybe it was amazing for you, but I can only speak from my own experiences. It takes time for your body to heal. And I think intimacy is about creating closeness together whether that is physically, emotionally or spiritually. It’s about being intentional about intimate moments together. Yes, sexual intimacy is important; but sometimes these kind of moments, the deep level of connection, honesty, and truth are the kind of intimacy your relationship really needs.”
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