‘I’m not pregnant. Yes, that’s an ultrasound, with my name, a recent date, but I am not pregnant…well, not anymore.’

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“I’m not pregnant. Yes, that’s an ultrasound, with my name, a recent date, but I am not pregnant…well, not anymore. That ultrasound is of a baby I was carrying, the first of three miscarriages I have had this year. Yes, you read that right, THREE. It is only June. The other picture is a sign that’s hung at the fertility clinic, I find it very fitting for that atmosphere, and for this post.

With the first one, my husband and I waited until after the first appointment/ultrasound (I was 6 weeks at the first appointment, December 5th, my husbands birthday) to tell our immediate families and close friends. We told our daughter, who at the time was only six. I know you’re probably wondering why I told her when I was so early and she is so young. Honestly, I want to shield her from as much as possible, but, things like periods/pregnancies/miscarriages, I want her to be aware of. I want her to understand as much as she possibly can about those subjects so that she is aware if something unusual happens to her, but that’s a subject for another time. I wanted her to know, I wanted her to be excited, and to not feel like we had kept something SO important from her. We had both families over for my husbands birthday dinner and she pranced around in a shirt reading ‘Only Child Season Ending 2018’ with baseballs and bats embroidered on it. Everyone was so excited, it was such a good memory. We went back for ultrasound #2 a week later, I was seven weeks, measuring right on track.

We went to Disney about two weeks later, (I was super careful), but when we got home, I had strep. Ill tell you what, strep knocked me on my butt. I was super nauseous from the pregnancy and then strep on top of that, it was not pleasant. I was scheduled for my next ultrasound on January 3rd. I was going back so quickly after my first appointment because my pregnancy with my daughter was considered high risk due to a ‘two-vessel cord,’ so, my OBGYN wanted to keep an extra eye on this one just in case we had the same issue again. I figured since I was feeling great, minus getting over the strep, I wasn’t having any cramping or bleeding, and the ultrasound could be done on my stomach, I would take my daughter. She was SO excited to get to go. My husband was unable to get the time off, so it was just me and her.

We sat in the waiting room for over an hour, they were SO busy that day. My daughter kept asking, ‘how much longer mommy?’ And ‘I am so excited, will we be able to tell if it’s a boy or a girl?’ Finally, my name was called. We went back into the ultrasound room, answered the normal questions, and then I told my daughter to watch the tv screen so she could see. I looked over at her and you could just see the joy and curiosity in her eyes as she waited to see the baby on the screen.

It popped up instantly. It was just laying there, motionless, no little flutter beating insanely fast, nothing. I knew instantly. I looked over at Brodeigh, she was pointing and saying ‘look mommy, look I see the baby! I see it!’ I just smiled and looked at the ultrasound tech, she was looking at me and holding back tears. I said to her ‘I already know, don’t say it out loud, and when the doctor comes in to confirm, please tell him to say ‘I have to give you a shot’ instead of using the word surgery. I didn’t want him to mention the baby being gone. It would just be understood between us. The ultrasound tech assured me she would let my doctor know what to say and told me how sorry she was. Y’all, that tech was a rockstar. I don’t know if I could have held it together if I was in her shoes. I know she could feel my heart breaking, but, in that moment I knew I had to be strong so I didn’t worry Brodeigh. You see, I don’t want to shield her from reality, but, I knew the doctors office wasn’t the time or place to tell her what had happened.

We were sent back out to the waiting room. I was still holding back tears. I didn’t text anyone. I didn’t call anyone. I just sat there and read a book to Brodeigh while we waited. I still don’t know how I was able to hold it together in that moment, but I know God had his hand on me. I could almost feel it. It was so surreal.

We were called back to a room where my doctor, Dr. Harper, was the most kind and gentle human he could be. He used my ‘codes’ like I had requested, he explained the paperwork in kid friendly terms, she was listening so eagerly, and then he put his hand on my shoulder, gave me a half smile, and walked out the door. (Fun fact, he delivered me, my sister, and my daughter.) I signed all the papers for the D & C, and we left.

I texted my husband to tell him I was on the way home. I did not want to tell him over the phone. I wanted tell him in person, and I didn’t want Brodeigh to hear just yet. I called my boss to let him know I wouldn’t be coming back to work, and let him know the news. I called my other co-worker to let him know what had happened as well, because I knew my boss wouldn’t know what to tell my co-workers. My mom called, I had to answer because she had already texted me 3 times asking if everything was okay, my friend Lauren had done the same. I told my mom what had happened, I tried to whisper so Brodeigh didn’t hear, but I let her know I had not told Jacob just yet.

When I hung up the phone with her, I looked in my rear view mirror, the look on my sweet baby’s face was so, so sad. She asked in the sweetest little voice, ‘Mommy, did the baby go to Heaven?’ Y’all, I lost it. I just cried and cried. She reached her little hand out and told me to hold it, so I did. She started crying, asking, ‘Why?’ And ‘What happened?’ I told her I would explain everything once we got home.

My phone rang again, it was my husband. I knew I had to answer, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that something was wrong, so I answered. ‘How did it go?’ he asked. I lost it again. I explained to him what had happened. He just told me ‘it will be okay, we can talk when y’all get home.’

When I got home, we all three held each other and cried. It was such an empty feeling. I was still dealing with the nausea and other pregnancy symptoms, my body didn’t realize I had miscarried yet. It was so unfair to be throwing up from nausea and the outcome still be the same. No baby. We called the friends and family we needed to call and let them know. I could feel the prayers people were praying. I could feel the love from everyone.

I had my D & C two days later. My recovery was AWFUL! I was in the worst pain of my life. Childbirth wasn’t as painful as my recovery, and I didn’t have an epidural for that. After two days, I knew something was wrong. We went to the ER and they sent me home, they said the pain was normal. I know pain and discomfort are normal after that procedure, but the pain I was having, was NOT normal. Finally, I called my doctors office and they had me come in right away. I am so thankful they did. I had blood clots. BLOOD CLOTS! I was so scared. Luckily my doctor had listened to me, he knew I wouldn’t have been in there if I wasn’t in some serious pain.

That night, I was laying in bed thanking God I went with my gut and got checked out, when Brodeigh told me she couldn’t fall asleep. I asked her why, and she said ‘I’m scared you are going to go to Heaven in your sleep like the baby did.’ Talk about feeling your heartbreak…that was the worst feeling ever. I assured her I would be fine, that the doctor had taken care of me, I would be fine. I prayed and prayed that I hadn’t just told her a lie. I barely slept that night.

It’s been a little over six months since that dreadful day. I have had two more since then, they were super early though, so my body handled those. It was still just as hard as the first one.

Y’all, I know the feeling of seeing the negative tests and being heartbroken. I know the feeling of seeing the positives only to find that it was short lived. We have been to the fertility clinic. We have discussed so many options with our doctor. Right now, for insurance purposes, we are waiting on November before I have any exploratory procedures. It is frustrating knowing I can get pregnant, but I can’t stay pregnant.

Why is my body not strong enough? What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why is this happening to me? What if I can’t have anymore kids, will my husband leave me? Will my daughter be mad I can’t make her a big sister? I have asked all of that more times than I would like to admit. I have hurt more in the last six months than I have in a long time. I have struggled. I have lost THIRTY pounds from everything I have gone through. It has been a battle. I know it’s ‘all in God’s time’ but that doesn’t make it any easier. I know when people say ‘it’s all in His time’ ‘don’t stress’ ‘just quit trying, then it’ll happen.’ I KNOW it comes from a good place. I know they really don’t know what to say. A simple ‘I’m praying for y’all’ is enough. If you are someone who has asked us recently when we’re gonna have another, please don’t feel bad, I have never been offended by that question since all this began. It is an innocent question.

My husband has been great throughout this entire process, although, sometimes I know he doesn’t know what to say either. I tell him I’m worried he’s disappointed with me, disappointed with the fact I can’t give him a biological child. He tries his best to show me he isn’t. I know he loves me, but I still feel guilty sometimes.

Brodeigh is aware of the struggles and prays for a baby brother or sister all the time. She desires it so much.

I know when God is ready for us to have another baby, it will happen. I know he has a plan for us as a family. My heart is open to adoption and fostering. It was open to that before I started having these issues. Adoption or fostering has always been something I wish to pursue one day.

While we wait for our answer, we will continue to pray for the answer. We are keeping the faith and trusting our Lord. It could happen for us before November, which is what we are praying for.

If you are having similar struggles, know that there is someone out there praying for you! Praying for your peace, comfort, health, mind, body, family, friends, etc. If you are struggling, I hope you find the courage within to reach out to someone for help. I am always open to anyone who needs a listening ear.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Amanda Byram. Submit your story here. For our best love stories, subscribe to our free email newsletter here.

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