‘I’m sorry. Eva won’t make it.’ I sat, waiting for the doctors to stop the bleeding in her brain. The damage was too extensive.’: Mom pens letter to past self 13 months after daughter dies of Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura

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“To the mom standing in that tiny hospital meeting room,

This is scary and it’s not okay. It’s not going to ever be okay. Let out what you need to let out. Breathe. Breathe, mama, breathe. You’ve just heard the words no parent should ever hear. ‘I’m sorry. Eva isn’t going to make it out of this.’ You sat there in a room full of doctors waiting to be told Eva was headed for surgery to stop the bleeding in her brain only to instead be told the damage was too extensive. Catastrophic. You need to breathe. You need to listen to the doctors even though your brain is blocking it and it sounds like a buzz. You are numb. That’s NORMAL.

Courtesy Jessica Peters

Be with your baby. I know it’s scary, but you will thank yourself later. Eva needs her mommy now more than ever. Hold her, kiss her, be with her. You can handle this, your baby girl taught you how to be strong. The IVs, the monitors, the tubes. It’s all overwhelming and it’s so hard to see her like this. You will never forgive yourself if you don’t brave it for her. You’ve got this, mama. Just breathe.

Right now, you can’t see past those hospital walls and those isolation gowns the nurses are wearing. One day you will. One day you will see the beauty in all they did for your baby girl. One day you will see the respect they gave you while she took her last breath. One day you will see the beauty in the last minutes. You will understand why the room went from full of people to just you, your baby, and one doctor. One day you will forgive yourself for being angry that you were alone. You will understand that Eva’s soul only needed you. One day you will be closer to forgiving the neurosurgeon who you found so blunt and cold. One day you will be thankful Eva was in your arms and not on an operating table when that last breath came. One day you will know just how strong and brave you were that day.

Courtesy Jessica Peters

You are a fighter, Mama. You’ve got this. Lean on your Husband and your own Mama. They will hold you up. Just breathe. You know in your heart that you did everything you could. You were exactly what Eva needed and you are enough. You did enough. Don’t give into the guilt. Don’t blame yourself. Be kind to yourself. Just breathe. You have a long road ahead of you, just trust in the journey. Follow your heart and allow yourself to feel everything. You need to feel every emotion in order to heal. Please, please, please don’t stuff this away. Sometimes it seems easier that way, but you won’t heal. Its time you will understand the concept of ‘making time to grieve’. I promise one day it won’t be all consuming like it is right now.

Courtesy Jessica Peters

This is not your fault. This is not your fault. Listen to the doctors, the nurses, your mom, when they tell you that on repeat. It’s true. You are a great Mama who is being dealt a terrible hand. In the coming days so many people are going to say so many things to you and you aren’t going to remember much. That being said, listen to what they say, because somewhere between the word vomit somebody will say some very profound things. Those words are what will get you through this. Lean on your support system. Let them love you. Let them hold you. You’ve got this.

Courtesy Jessica Peters

Eva loves you and she knows you love her. She knows you would have traded places with her. You need to know, mama, she wouldn’t have wanted that. Eva had her mommy for every single day of her life and that’s all she wanted. Let that be a blessing in this pain. It’s hard and backwards but seek out the joy. It won’t come as easily now but it’s very important to feel that joy.

Courtesy Jessica Peters

To the mama in that tiny hospital meeting room, I know this is hell. I also know that you are stronger than this hell and you and Jordon will survive. Every single day you did your best and Eva knows it. Breathe mama. One single breath at a time and you will go on. Soon you will be facing down the one-year mark with the courage of a lion and you will make it. Love yourself and be kind to yourself.

Love, Eva’s Mommy, 13 months after Heaven called.

Courtesy Jessica Peters

Eva Alice Peters, Forever Two, Forever Loved. Eva was diagnosed with Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura in January of 2018. ITP is an autoimmune disease that causes the body’s blood to be unable to clot. This rare disease puts the patient at risk for very serious bleeding. Eva fought a courageous battle for a short two months. Eva’s family wishes for the world to know how brave Eva is and how she offered a smile to everyone around her. Together we will continue sharing smiles to carry on her legacy.”

Courtesy Jessica Peters

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Jessica Peters of Saskatchewan Canada. Follow her journey on Instagram here and her blog here Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here, and be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories.

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