Last week was one of the most difficult weeks for me as a mom in my mental health journey. It was Ryan’s first week back at work since being home all summer. He is a teacher and I live for his school breaks. I was already feeling anxious about him going back to work. And then I was anxious about feeling anxious. About a year ago my anxiety relapsed really bad and I know a lot of my fears of Ryan starting back at work were rooted to how much I struggled back then. Not to mention, my anxiety has been heightened since my daughter’s near-drowning accident earlier this summer.
The day was upon when us our summer dreams would only be memories and we would be back to our normal routine. I knew it would likely take some getting used to and I just hoped that I could get through it.
The day came. We all walked Ryan out and waved goodbye as he drove off in his beat up Corolla. And then it was just me and the triplets. I tried my best to keep up the positive energy. I made sure to have plans the entire day because I knew staying at home was not an option because it would likely make my anxiety worse being in the house all day long.
I took the triplets to my sister’s. Her house is about a 35 minute drive. Who knew a 35 minute drive would be the beginning of such a difficult week. The entire drive there the kids fought, cried, yelled, everything. And it was even worse on the drive home. My anxiety was through the roof and I didn’t have medication to help. I felt trapped in my own car. I couldn’t get a grip of my thoughts because the sound of the kids crying and fighting was so overwhelming. I tried distracting them. I tried our “go-to” game, “I Spy.” I rolled down the windows and turned up the music so I could try and get ahold of my anxiety, but nothing worked and the triplets, each one of them, were fully engulfed in full on meltdown tantrum mode. I was so furious with my kids and their behavior. It was an all around sh*tty day. And as the week went on it just got harder. It was more like a sh*tty week all together. I ugly cried a lot. I apologized a lot. I told myself what a horrible mother I was. And I hugged my babies and told them how much I love them and how sorry I was.
It is the moments when anxiety is taking over that I feel like I have no control over myself or my kids and that is when it is so easy for Satan to breathe his lies into me. I usually am thinking irrationally and have to work hard to bring myself back to what is true. And what is true is that I am a good mom. I am strong. I am brave. I am beautiful. I am powerful. I am enough. I can do this. I can get through those anxious moments. And I can get through this season. I feel so loved and supported by my husband, family, and friends.
While I may have sh*tty days, I have so many believing in me especially when it is the hardest for me to believe in me. Whatever kind of day you are having, good or bad, there is probably another mama out there sharing in similar joys and similar struggles. You are not alone on this motherhood journey and you are enough. You’re enough on the best days and the worst days. We are enough, mama’s! And remember, tomorrow is always a new day!
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