‘Oh, you didn’t breastfeed? It’s cool, I thought you loved your child. That’s all, carry on.’: Mom’s all-too-real take on the relentless parenting advice forced upon mothers

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“Everyone to moms:

Be sure to get lots of sleep, rest when the baby rests, this is very important. Also, get up two hours before your family so you have some time for yourself. Be sure to cook healthy and nutritious foods but not vegan or vegetarian, they won’t get what they need, and not meat because you’re not an environment hating monster are you? Be sure your pots and pans aren’t nonstick, or you’ll poison everyone anyway. Also, don’t use plastic, but glass will break and cut someone, stainless is your best option, but you know metals build up in the body so…  Never have dishes in your sink, it’s slobby.

Be sure to have a hobby, it’s important to still be yourself. That laundry though. Don’t worry it’s only like eleven loads a morning, probably, maybe, most likely more. Exercise every day, all of the days, lose that baby weight. Be sure you eat enough to maintain that milk supply ‘Oh, you didn’t breastfeed? It’s cool, I thought you loved your child. That’s all, carry on.’

Summer is coming, be sure to stock up on essentials like sunscreen and bugspray, it will kill you all and the coral and baby dolphins, but it is an absolute must have, get two so you have one for the car.

Speaking of that car, it’s a sight. When did you clean it last? You’ll need it sans all the dirty diapers and to go cups from those days you failed at life and motherhood for date night. Date your spouse, once a week at least but be sure to drop it like it’s hot a minimum of four times a week, or really whenever that guy who put those babies up in there wants it. You still have that laundry though, maybe you could fold it at the same time. Multitasking kills mindfulness.

Back to the car. Rear face until they can drive on their own or reach 160lbs, whichever comes first. Be sure to have one of those ‘baby on board’ stickers so passers-by know you love your darling offspring. You still have laundry so why are you in the car anyway?

Be sure they get lots of social interaction. You don’t want to raise weirdos who can’t share. Sharing is nonsense but you must enforce it regardless. It is important they play outside a minimum of 6 hours a day, balance this with laundry folding by laying the clean clothes in the dirt as a folding table. Limit screen time to 6 seconds a day or they will develop ADHD, they probably have it anyway from all those artificial colors they ate at Sally’s birthday party, don’t think we didn’t see that.

When bedtime comes (and be ready for judgment about the time, it’s either too early or too late there is no good time) be sure you sing to your children and read them a story. Tuck them in and give them kisses, remember they are your joy even if they are purple screaming. Joy joy joy.

Wash your face every night and develop a good moisturizer routine so you don’t look like a worn-out hag tomorrow but hurry he’s got that sex time look in his eye and you still have laundry.

Did you floss today?”

Courtesy Katie Bryant

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Katie Bryant, 31, of North Caroina. Follow Katie on Instagram here. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

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