‘I’m looking down on you. LOOK UP. I SEE YOU.’ My son wrote his ‘goodbye letter,’ and ended his life.’: Mom loses son to meth addiction, suicide, claims she sees ‘signs, traces of him’ everywhere

More Stories like:

“‘Please don’t blame yourself mom; Please don’t blame yourself dad; I LOVE YOU! Talk to me in your prayers and don’t forget to look up. I’m now looking down on you. May peace be with you.

Smile! LOOK UP – I SEE YOU.’

These were some of the last words Jordan wrote on April 18, 2018, the day he took his own life.

That is a day I will never ever forget, just as the day he was born, which was September 10, 1998. The most beautiful little boy entered this world just after 8 p.m. He had a head full of hair, and was tiny. He weighed 6.1 pounds at birth and was 20 inches long.

Courtesy of Stella Parker
Courtesy of Stella Parker

My life was complete, I had my two sons and I felt overjoyed and blessed. However, life threw us a few curve balls along the way. I divorced my husband before Jordan’s 2nd birthday and did the best I could for my sons. I established a home for them and made sure they continued to have a stable and enjoyable childhood. Three years later, in the June of 2003 I remarried.

Courtesy of Stella Parker
Courtesy of Stella Parker

My son was a perfectionist and was very competitive, not only with others but with himself too. He was selected to play District Hockey in primary school, and went on to become a cyclist who cycled with the Europcar team. He played first team water polo and received numerous awards throughout his sporting career. He also took to playing drums like a fish in water and loved it. He loved life, and made the most of every moment. He had many friends, and was not one to be influenced by peer pressure. He stood up in front of the entire school and recited, word for word, spoken word poetry called ‘When I Became a Young Man’ from a famous Christian poet whom he took a lot of inspiration from. Jordan had an intimate relationship with God, which had developed at a very young age. As a young boy, I would often hear him talking out loud to himself, and when I asked who he was talking to, he would say ‘I am praying to the Lord.’

Courtesy of Stella Parker
Courtesy of Stella Parker
Courtesy of Stella Parker

Jordan’s life had been spared on 3 different occasions in his life. The first was when he was 7 years old, and was diagnosed with Superior Mesenteric Artery syndrome. The second time was when he was knocked off of his bicycle by a car, and the third time was when he was involved in a motor bike accident, at the age of 16. The bike was a total write off, and he barely had a scratch on him. I was convinced the angels caught him that day.

In 2017 he pursued his dream to become a pilot. He obtained his PPL (Personal pilot license) at the age of 18 – just before his 19th birthday. And started his CPL (Commercial pilot license) shortly thereafter.

Courtesy of Stella Parker
Courtesy of Stella Parker

On January 5, 2018, in the late afternoon I received a frantic phone call from Jordan asking me where I was. I told him I was close to home, and was just filling my car up with gas. He asked me to come home immediately, so I raced home. When I got there, he was standing in the driveway looking very frazzled. I got out of the car and he came to me and asked me to hug him, which I did. I asked him what was wrong and he said, ‘You know the one thing you told me never to do?’ I was confused, and said, ‘What are you talking about Jordan, what have you done?’ That is when he dropped the bombshell on me – Drugs. ‘I have been using drugs.’ I could not believe my ears. He did not enjoy alcohol or soda – his drink of choice was water, and he was not a smoker. He was very conscious about his health and his body, and was extremely fit. He showed no signs of addiction. How could I have missed this; how could this be our story? At that moment, I stood there completely astounded by what I had just been told. So many emotions, so much anger, but most of all, fear.

Cherise Brady Photography

All I could think about was the terrifying road that lay ahead. You see, addiction is not something new to my family. I have a close relative who has been an active drug addict for 15 years. We knew that once this got hold of you, it did not let go.

But, he had come to me. He had been using actively since just after his 19th birthday, and had unfortunately started using Crystal Meth which is a drug that will not easily release you. We managed to get Jordan into a rehabilitation center for 30 days, and he did really well. He was the youngest in the center, and the only non-smoker.

When Jordan came home, we took our time to restore privileges once again. He was determined to beat this, and the fact he had told me he had a problem and asked me for help reassured me he was determined to stay clean.

His girlfriend stood by his side and supported him through this journey. She attended NA meetings with him and encouraged him through his sobriety.

Courtesy of Stella Parker

Jordan resumed his studies and also approached a company at the airport where he was studying for a job. He had impressed the owner of the business and it was a unanimous decision – Jordan was to be hired. But the news came too late.

On Wednesday, April 18, two days after his interview, Jordan wrote his ‘goodbye letter’ and left it in a little box next to his bed. He went over to his dad’s house where he was going to house-sit for a few days as his dad was away on business. Unfortunately, that evening, in his dad’s house – he ended his life.

Courtesy of Stella Parker

I was in constant communication with him and he had let me know when he left, and when he arrived. He contacted me that evening and asked me to send him 2GB data, as his father did not have wi-fi at home. He told me he would be home the next day as he didn’t want to stay there alone. His cousin was to be staying with him, but he had left that afternoon as it was his mom’s birthday the following day and he wanted to be home with her.

The next morning, on the 19th, as soon as I woke up, I checked my phone for messages, and also looked to see what time he was last seen on WhatsApp, which was 10:20 p.m. I thought he must have had a good night’s rest. However, I didn’t feel myself that morning and didn’t quite understand why. While I was on my way to work I tried to call him, and got his voice mail. I figured he had not put his phone on charge, as he was not really one to worry too much about his cell phone. I tried to contact him throughout the morning, with no success. I eventually phoned his dad who also could not get ahold of him, and finally decided to phone his cousin and ask him to bring me the keys to his dad’s house. He decided to fetch me from work, and took me over.

As we turned into the estate where his dad lives, I looked out of the window and remember saying ‘look at the beautiful rainbow.’ That was the rainbow before the storm.

Jordan’s cousin went into the house and found him. I did not go in, I could not see him that way. All I remember saying out loud was, ‘This is not real, this cannot be real.’ I remember repeating that sentence over and over. I was in shock. My beautiful boy was gone.

Courtesy of Stella Parker

The next few days were a haze. There were so many visitors, and I had developed anxiety and fear of the dark. On Sunday the 22nd, I was alone at home for the first time. My husband went to church, and we had no visitors yet. I went into Jordan’s room, sat on his bed and just looked around. My eye caught the little box next to his bed. I picked it up and opened it. And there it was – the goodbye letter he had written.

‘This is the most selfish thing I’ve ever done … But this disease has no cure and I’m not willing to suffer sober for the rest of my days. I’ve chosen to keep a permanent distance physically, but I’m now with you spiritually,’ my son wrote.

And then the signs began…

On the evening of his funeral, all the visitors had left and my husband and I were alone at home. I sat on the couch, and fell asleep. In my sleeping state, Jordan appeared to me. He was standing over me, breathing on me with a peaceful look on his face. He was beautiful. I tried to wake myself up because I knew this was not a dream. I remember opening my eyes, and seeing my arm resting on my lap, and I was pulled back to sleep again. I struggled because I wanted to be awake to be with Jordan. When I finally did manage to wake myself up – I looked around and said, ‘Jordan has just been here.’

Two weeks after his death my husband and I went to his father’s house to fetch his car. On the way home, my husband (driving Jordan’s car) and I pulled in at the gas station to fill the cars up. While I waited, I had opened my window, and a tiny grasshopper landed on my door. I thought it was strange that this little creature would come and sit there, but thought nothing more of it.

When we arrived home, I noticed my dogs playing with what looked like a bird in the driveway. I immediately went to its rescue, only to discover it was a grasshopper. A larger one, with colorful wings. How strange that was as I had not seen a grasshopper in years, and now there were two in one day. And the grasshoppers continued to appear, for the next few days, at the most random times and places.

A friend of mine who worked at the airport where Jordan obtained his pilot license was taking photos of the storm that was brewing that afternoon.  She captured the same rainbow I saw, as we entered the estate. But there was more than just a rainbow in the photograph. There was a plane on the runway taking off, two rainbows, and a cloud in the shape of what could be a heart or angel wings, with a baby holding onto the formation, as well as an umbilical cord reaching towards heaven. To me, this is a very symbolic image of the new birth my son has in Heaven.

Photo by Lelani Jansen

Ever since then Jordan has sent me the weirdest shaped rainbows, and heart shaped clouds. But the most profound sign I have received was yet to come.

Courtesy of Stella Parker
Courtesy of Stella Parker
Courtesy of Stella Parker

On the 7th of July I took a bold step and spoke with a medium. Jordan came through in the most profound way. He told me things only he could know, and reassured me that he was with me, he had not left us and that he was ok. The medium said, ‘You will see his face in the sky.’ Obviously, that sounded absurd, but from that day onwards I continued to look up (remembering what he had written in his letter). And then it happened – on the 13th of August on my way home from work, I noticed the most unusual cloud formation in the sky. It looked to me like a trunk of a body with ribs, and arms. I got home after about 30 minutes travelling, took a photograph of the sky at 5:33 p.m. and went inside. Two days later as I scrolled through my photos I saw it – there it was – Jordan’s face in the sky.

Courtesy of Stella Parker

On the 20th of October I took another photograph of a sunset sky, and a few days later I noticed it was an image of what looked like God, with an outstretched arm, and Jordan sitting together looking down on us all.

Courtesy of Stella Parker

The signs are amazing – from the very first rainbow, the visitation, the grasshoppers, the communication through mediums, and the faces in the sky. I know my son may not be alive here in the physical world anymore, and for that my heart is truly broken, but I know he does continue to live on in spirit, just as he predicted in his letter.

I have so much to share, so many stories of synchronicities, signs, songs, medium visits and so much more, however I believe I have shared the most profound evidential signs of them all.

Every evidential photograph was taken by me personally – and on most days, the signs would appear when I really needed them the most – especially the heart shaped clouds.

Now I continue to look up, because I know without any doubt, Jordan is with me, looking down on me.

Cherise Brady Photography

Finally, I would like to share one last extract from his letter in the hope that someone will read it, and prevent another life from being destroyed by drugs. He asked that the poem ‘I am meth’ be read at his funeral, and this was his reason: ‘This poem describes why crystal meth has been my selfish reason to take my life. It’s important this poem is read aloud. I don’t want someone out there who genetically suffers with this disease to take the action of using that first drug. My first drug sent me to my grave.’”

From podcasts to video shows, parenting resources to happy tears – join the Love What Matters community and subscribe on YouTube.

Courtesy of Stella Parker

This is an exclusive story to Love What Matters. For permission to use, email Exclusive@LoveWhatMatters.com.

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Jordan’s mom, Stella Parker, of Johannesburg, South Africa. You can follow her journey on Instagram and her blogDo you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here, and subscribe to our best stories in our free newsletter here.

Read more powerful stories of beautiful signs from heaven:

‘It started with the dreams, but then it got real. I couldn’t deny it anymore.’ Grieving wife finds ‘signs, winks’ EVERYWHERE from late husband

‘My daughter said, ‘There’s a light coming into the picture.’ It wasn’t just any light. This was a beam straight from HEAVEN itself.’

‘Nana, when you get to heaven please send me lots of pennies’: Grandmother sends hundreds of pennies from ‘heaven’ to symbolize her ‘deep love’

Provide beauty and strength for others. SHARE this story on Facebook with your friends and family.

 Share  Tweet

Queries: 112 Timer: 0.11622

Cache Hits: 2996 Cache Misses: 346