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‘All I heard was ‘buzz.’ I start whispering, ’Oh no, oh no, oh no!’ I was missing HALF my eyebrow.’: Woman hilariously recalls drastic eyebrow trimming fail, ‘It was down to the stubs!’
“Four words for you – ‘As seen on TV.’ I have had this dang brow trimmer boxed in my bathroom cupboard for over 2 years now. I came home the other night and my husband had it all unboxed, using it on his mustache. ‘What the heck?! Why haven’t you ever opened this? It’s awesome!’ I laughed. ‘Well, at least someone is using it.’ The next morning, I see it sitting in the corner and thought, ‘What the heck!’ Oh boy, was I wrong.”
‘My therapist said it might be a good idea to hire a ‘personal assistant.’ I’m a stay-at-home-mom. Am I crazy to consider it?’: Mother hysterically recalls how extra help would get her ‘sparkle’ back
“I was at brunch slurping up a delectable chai with a girlfriend when I confessed all my help. ‘So, I have this gal who does our house’s big deep cleans and then another gal who does light tidying and takes care of all the laundry a few times a week and this other gal who babysits one day a week during the afterschool hours to give me a break from, well, the after school hours.’ P.S. I’m a stay-at-home mom.”
‘AND I told them about your beehive!,’ he blurts out. Y’all, like a child caught red handed. He confessed to everything.’: Mom pens hilarious open letter to the nosy neighbor who called 911 on her beehive
“To my surprise, a cop was just pounding on our door. Someone called about our garbage cans being by the garage door. THE AUDACITY!! I said, ‘Oh my God! TOTALLY fine, I’m sorry.’ But then I was also like, ‘Waiiiiit a sec… screw whoever called on us!’ Ok, Petty Boop. Come to my house and knock on the door – we all know each other VERY well. Then out of NO WHERE, the officer says, ‘That’s a big beehive you got there!’ I felt like someone noticed my but looked good. I love that thing so much. ‘OMG ISN’T IT AMAZING?!’ Then it clicked. How DARE you!”
‘You can’t drink that glass of wine while breastfeeding. And please don’t breastfeed without a cover.’: Mom’s hilarious guide to navigating breastfeeding comments during the holiday season
“‘You’re holding your baby too much.’ ‘Isn’t your baby too old to be breastfeeding?’ ‘You’re weaning soon, right?’ ‘Just let the baby cry. It’s good for their lungs.’ ‘You really need to put your baby on a schedule.’ ‘You better not eat the green beans. It will make your baby gassy.’ Here’s how to respond during the holidays.”
‘I don’t mean to stir up drama, but this woman says your baby is ‘fake’ and you’re stealing yogurts.’: Mom gets ‘good laugh’ at supermarket after stranger’s false accusations
“To the lady who told the cashier at Aldi I had a fake baby and was trying to smuggle yogurts out of the store: 1) My baby is 100% real. 2) Yogurts are like 25 cents. 3) I’m lactose intolerant and don’t consume dairy. Thank you for the laugh, though. I really needed it because I was up all night tending to my again, 100% real, baby. Parenting is hard enough; the judgement of strangers is not needed.”
‘Dad, it’s weird, but I think I pooped my pants!’ Minutes later, it hits me. OMG. ‘That’s not poop!!!’: Dad transforms into ‘the period fairy’ after realizing daughter is experiencing first menstrual cycle
“Today, I got THE CALL. So, I rush to school, bring her a change of undies, and rush back to my conference call. Hours later, she calls. ‘Dad, it happened again.’ At this point, I’m confused. Annoyed. ‘Just wipe your butt!’ Then, it hits me. I rush to the trash, inspect the undies from earlier, and scream. My child called for help and I just left her to die on the battlefield!”
‘Where is my fridge?’ I asked, annoyed. I tapped my foot, waiting. ‘What?’ My jugular started pounding.’: Mom hilariously recalls really ‘bad day’ with teenage daughter when she lost her temper
“I came home from work, tired and weary. I crawled out of my car and shuffled past it. The open space where the mini fridge USED to be. ‘Did I get burglarized?’ Then, steam poured from my ears. ‘Teenagers!!!,’ I exclaimed. I balled my fists, losing my ever-loving mind. Oh, they know. Momma is ticked.”
‘UM, IAN. Cough. IAN!’ I expected a box of pizza on the floor. I found foot-tall flames.’: Mom recalls dangerous fire pet dog accidentally caused before 6 a.m.
“I hear the sound of a huge dog clambering down the wood floor hallway. If toddler silence is a dangerous sound, this is the doggy equivalent. I chased her around the house trying to dislodge a slice of Meat Lovers. Then I saw the flames. The kids come running in. ‘FIRE! FIRE! WHAT’S OUR ESCAPE PLAN?’ We don’t have one, but bet we do by this afternoon.”
‘Light as a feather, stiff as a board,’ we quietly chanted. We started lifting. Our hearts pounding.’: Mom of teenager recalls spooky slumber party game she convinced them to play, ‘Part of me was terrified’
“We gathered the willing victims. Each of us could hear our hearts pounding. Each of us felt our pulse with the seconds that ticked by. Each of us gasped a little as she rose up from the ground. Inch by inch by inch, her body rose up and floated, barely being supported by our fingers. My friend and I looked at each other, wide-eyed and surprised, mouthing the words, ‘it-works.’”
‘Listen to me, you precious, fresh faced man-child.’: Mom pens hilarious letter for kids ‘too old to trick-or-treat’
“Your voice suddenly sounds like Barry Manilow half the time and a baby mouse the other half? I get it! Things are a-changin’ in your life. You suddenly have a desire to seem cool, but also, you are like, REALLY into the idea of walking around the neighborhood with your friends to collect a huge bag of candy. I’ll welcome you to my candy pail without a sarcastic comment or jab.”
