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LOL

‘I walked into his house. When I saw the bags from Victoria’s Secret, I knew what he had in store. It was Valentine’s Day, and it’s pretty obvious what a grown man had on his mind.’

“I gave him the coy smile, in an attempt to be sexy. I probably tried to wink at him, and did my best to slither over to the bed. One long stride in front of the other, knocking my hips from left to right, hoping to look like Marilyn Monroe but most likely – didn’t. He slowly sat down next to me.”

‘I wasn’t even near him,’ actually means, ‘I was standing directly in front of him trying to touch his eyeballs with my eyeballs.’ You will learn to like Blippi. Because YouTube will show you other videos that are SO MUCH WORSE, HOLY CRAP.’

“Our babysitter is expecting her first. I thought about stuff I want to tell her in preparation for motherhood. And then I got home and unloaded 17 bags of groceries that somehow did not include the ONLY two items I specifically needed. Probably should warn preggo about that.”

‘The receptionist says, ‘Peter will be out with you soon.’ I smile and think, Peter? Peter better be a girl. Don’t panic. He says, ‘Laura?’ Real slowly. I sigh and say, ‘Yep that’s me.’ FML.’

“I never get pimples on my back. Never… but occasionally my body says, ‘Hey, remember what it’s like to be 14? Well here’s an eruption for you and I got a real big juicy one right in the middle of my back.’ I think it’s all good because, she’s a woman, she will get it. ‘No no no No. NO.'”

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