LOL
🤣
‘My husband tucked her in. She whispered something. I knew what was coming. I wrenched out of bed. I was a sleep-deprived new mom with an overworked husband and no family nearby.’
“I walked into the living room. Her proud, dancing eyes locked onto mine. She always cried. It became my mantra, whispered to myself on the darkest of days when I desperately needed a light at the end of the tunnel.”
‘There’s tiny hands in the drawer. Maybe it’s my medication and I’m finally losing it, but I can see tiny black hands.’ 5 minute long pause. ‘What? ‘It’s probably a toy.’ ‘NO, IT’S MOVING! IT’S PLOTTING OUR DEATHS.’
“You ever open a drawer to see two little hands cradling a rolling pin? I did. You can imagine my disgust when I saw this… these little claws. Guess who got the call? Yep. Poor hubby.”
‘Nobody dreams of being a single, middle-aged dad swiping on Tinder. When I entered Single Parent Land, half my brain was sobbing. The other half was thinking, ‘I can run free!’
“As a single parent, every decision takes on a new meaning. If I give my child an applesauce pouch made in China, will my ex bring it up in court? But back to the easy stuff. Remember naps? You know, those times when you could sleep in on a weekend without your ex coming in and yelling at you? There’s a silver lining in all this.”
‘I crashed the party my 16 year-old-daughter was at. I rolled up on it to hear, ‘drink, drink, drink.’ I had visions of my sweet girl suspended in the air, held up by football players as she gulped cheap beer.’
“I raced to the front porch, paralyzed. Do I swing open the door and just run in? Do I call the cops? As I stood with my hand up in the knocking position, the door opened.”
‘Do I need to separate you two?,’ the flight attendant asked. Wait. WHAT? I looked up from my magazine, confused. My kid sniffled. ‘Nothing gets better at 30,000 feet,’ she continued.’
“My first thought was, ‘Does your ATTITUDE, Janet?’ This was all because my 16-year-old daughter had to leave her boyfriend behind to see her sister graduate from COLLEGE. I thought she would ballet leap onto the plane. I was wrong, friends. I was so wrong.”
‘I LOVE MY IPAD, MOMMY. I HATE YOU!’ My beautiful child was ugly crying, swinging arms, red faced. He threw his belly to the ground. ‘WHY MOMMY?!’ All hell broke loose.’
“His little body leaped off the ground and dove for the iPad in my lap. In between hiccups, coughs, deep gasps, he said, ‘MOMMY… I… NEED… IT.’ I replied a stern, ‘No, baby. You do NOT need it.’ Then, mommy did the unthinkable. ‘We’re going on an adventure.'”
‘When I was in college, I loaned my mom’s family heirloom table to a stripper.’
“To be fair, I didn’t know it was a family heirloom. I have made these kinds of mistakes a lot in life.”
‘Don’t get offended, babe. I just know you love that sort of stuff.’ My husband’s mortifying statement has haunted me for 12 hours. I couldn’t be more ashamed of myself if I tried.’
“I think I could feel myself elevate 3 inches off the ground while I came to terms with what he just said to me. If you’re a ‘Dave’ and you’re reading this, put down your phone, flush the toilet, and ask your partner if there’s something you can do to help.”
‘My daughter lost her mind, tantrum, tears, because ‘Talking Booty Baby’ lost her head, literally. It was dangling. ‘Mommy please fix her!!!’ She was devastated. Tears streamed down her cheeks.’
“A few months ago, my boys colored with pen all over Talking Booty Baby’s face and I thought world was coming to an end. But that was NOTHING compared to what happened the other day. Oh no, no, no.”
‘I tiptoed into my daughter’s room to play tooth fairy. I saw a note from her big sister. ‘Why do fairy’s not show themselves? Could you please take a selfie? My iPad is in the room. Swipe right!’
“She hijacked our little one’s fairy visit, asking for proof. I couldn’t stop laughing. My husband and I talked about me putting on a wig, wings, and adding a bright light behind me to actually take a selfie, but that just made the lie even worse. I went with a letter because a note from Tabitha the Tooth Fairy totally isn’t lying.”
