LOL
🤣
‘I never thought I would have to say, ‘Now, kids, don’t go jumping in the attic because, well you know, you might fall through the ceiling one day.’
“The minute my phone dinged and I saw it – I knew. I just knew. I shook my head and bit my lip to keep the tears of fury from coming, but I instinctively knew what happened – teenagers. That’s what.”
‘My sons wear shorts in winter, swearing they ‘aren’t even cold, MOM!’ Weird, I know, because they need approximately 13 blankets to fall asleep.’
“My boys were born with a rare yet serious condition known as never-cold-rothopy. Symptoms include having no capacity for feeling cold, having a strong aversion to wearing pants, and becoming highly offended and irrationally emotional when someone suggests they should.”
‘Your areolas, those brown things on your boobs (not a type of pasta as I initially thought) grow to the size of a frisbee, and become very dark.’ Mom’s HILARIOUS discoveries while breastfeeding
“People told me it’s so your baby can find your nipples. Well let me tell you, with mine, every baby on the planet could find them. They were a satellite dish on their own. Also, People will ask, ‘Are you STILL breastfeeding?’ Yes, I’m ‘STILL breastfeeding Cheryl, my baby is 2 hours old… shut up.'”
‘Hi, nice flight attendant. Yes, there’s 7 of us. We’re in row 37. Keep walking kiddos, keep going. Nope, keep going. Yes, hi strangers. Yup, they’re all ours.’
“That guy staring at us does not look kid-friendly at all. That man looks very business professional. I hope he’s not the one sitting in front of us as my kids kick his seat on accident for the 14th time.”
‘Me first thing in the morning: Good morning, baby. How did you sleep? Gosh, I love you so much.’ Me 10 minutes later: HURRY UP. I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE. NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST. STOP MOVING IN SLOTH MODE!’
“Me ten minutes later: Bye, honey. Have a great day at school. I can’t wait to pick you up. HURRY AND GET OUT OF THE CAR. PEOPLE BEHIND US ARE WAITING.”
‘Elf on the Shelf is a HARD NO for me — Here’s why.’
“Feeling exhausted after a long day of, I don’t know, being a parent? Is your only desire to drain a glass of chardonnay and sleep after working 8 hours and doing 4 loads of laundry? TOO BAD, MOM! WINKSY NEEDS A NEW, CLEVER HIDING SPOT!”
‘The first step is admitting you have a Christmas movie problem.’
“Where else besides ‘Dancing with the Stars’ can you find all of your favorite sitcom actors from the ’90s? Danica McKellar? Yes, please! Lacey Chabert? I’ll take two! Is that Dean Cain? Grab your Santa suit and get in that phone booth, Superman. You can save my Christmas anytime!”
‘I call Leo in. He looks at it, cocks his little head to the side. And then, obviously, I yelled at it. The spider ran. Leo starts screaming. The louder he screams, the faster the spider pursued him.’
“Let me share with y’all a massive mom fail I experienced. I noticed this toy for sale. They’re called ‘Yellies’ and the louder you yell at it, the faster it goes. Being the mother of a naturally loud and boisterous kid, I thought it would be the perfect Christmas present…”
‘I grew up in the 80’s. We invented the most radical lingo. Well, it’s a new era and a new set of teens. I took my daughter on a road trip and guess what? I barely understood a word she was saying.’
“Without us, today’s kids would never know the meaning of something good being called ‘bad.’ I remind myself of this while I’m carpooling teenagers who just don’t understand that, at one point, I was BODACIOUS.”
‘While in the hospital after birth, I was asked constantly if I had passed gas. ‘You farted yet, love?’ My answer was always no. So, she gave me the sweetest liquid and two pills to get me going.’
“Around 2-3 a.m. I was happily nursing my baby when my stomach started growling. There was a thunder storm in my colon and it was going to be explosive…”
