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‘MOM!!! Get back in the car!’ I’m at the drop off in undies that have a LITERAL HOUSE for penis and balls!’: Mom hilariously shares ultimate ‘dysfunctional parent’ moment
“Y’all. Things got worse. ‘MOM! The basement is leaking!’ In that 3.5 seconds, my doorbell rings. I run down because my pea-sized BRAIN forgets to process ‘put on pants.’ It’s the plumber I completely forgot I called. Steve goes downstairs. I have 15 minutes. Guess who is wrong? Yup. Me again. Steve done come BACK into the house while I’m laying down a quick colombian hot sloppy in the bathroom.”
‘Cooking isn’t just cooking. I know I make food appear like it hasn’t been a grueling process, but it is. Grueling.’: Mom fed up with making all the meals, ‘It drives us crazy’
“I’m battling Susan at Aldi because she has 4 items less than me and wants to go in front. It’s having eggplants thrown at me fast and hard by an angry check out assistant. If I make it too yellow will my 5-year-old have a hernia because it looks like it’s been touched by a vegetable?”
‘Oh… My… Gosh… that’s a dong.’ CAN Y’ALL BELIEVE THIS?! My daughter is on a giant red rocket!’: Mom in hysterics after spotting innocent daughter on penis-looking playground structure at recess
“I can’t wait to see what my angelic 5-year-old is up to today. I open the album titled ‘recess’ and OH MY GOSH – There. She. Was. IN ALL HER GLORY. I immediately called my husband. WHO DESIGNED THIS PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT?! I am cryyyyiinnngg. This is not a drill. I repeat… this is NOT a drill.”
‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ Shizzing yourself at your job interview. That’s what.’: Woman hilariously shares ‘mortifying’ accident, hopes it can ‘make someone smile’
“I felt a bead of sweat roll down my face. My stomach started making beastly growls. I got to my feet to rush to the bathroom when I heard a knock. ‘Hello, Mrs. O? It’s so nice to meet you.’ Shiz. Shiz. Holy shiz. It was too late. I was trapped! Suddenly, I felt hot flashes and bubbles. My body was going to DO THE DAMN THING. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.”
‘The man yells, ‘Look! These are yours. They fell out of that box. I’m your mailman!’: Woman hilariously recalls run-in with Amazon Prime deliveryman who picked up her ‘new butt’ underwear
“I saw a man walk onto my porch, then he bent down like he was hiding. So, I was like, ‘Hell no, you aren’t about to steal my Halloween decorations.’ I grab a baseball bat and the dog, open the door, jump out and literally yell ‘Freeze!’ The man stands up, and he’s holding a pair of underwear. I’m like, ‘You dirty old man, you’re on my porch smelling underwear.’ I’m out here swinging this baseball bat and he’s screaming, ‘Wait! Wait!’”
‘Mommy! I have to pee pee now!’ I was washing my face so I can’t open my eyes. He’s screaming.’: Woman hilariously recalls getting peed on by her son before annual physical at doctor
“I needed to be freshly showered for my exam. I washed everything and shaved my legs. When you’re going to get your pap smeared, you can’t just shower off. You got to do the whole 9 yards. Go for the full on, getting laid later, every nook and cranny shower. It was a mistake.”
‘It’s not how you look, it’s how you FEEL!’: 8-year-old rocks red ball gown in school pictures, mom can’t argue with her confidence
“‘Click, click, swoosh, swoosh’ was all I heard as my 8-year-old daughter emerged from her bedroom. It was just after 7:30 a.m. – she was wearing silver high heels and a floor-length, red, jeweled, ball gown. My initial thought was, ‘She must think it’s Saturday.’ It was indeed a school-day. Not only that, it was the all-important, everlasting PICTURE DAY! Oh, she knew.”
‘No big deal, what’s a poopy diaper? I start to change her, and realize it’s a poop-trophe. I’m not panicked, grab the wipes.’: Mom’s hilarious play-by-play of cleaning up daughter’s disastrous diaper blowout on playground slide
“She’s going down the slide, butt naked, COVERED in poop, leaving a long skid mark of poop allllllll the way down on her way.”
‘I’m Claire. I’m 90. I’m single. And I don’t need no man! Mic drop.’: 90-year-old woman hilariously praises ‘hubby-free’ life, claims it’s ‘the secret to living long’
“I’m a prune, I know. But a living prune nonetheless! I don’t have Alzheimer’s. I don’t use a cane. Yes, I remember what I ate for dinner 3 nights ago. And I don’t have a husband! No, he didn’t die off on me. I didn’t outlive him. He never existed! I’m convinced these leafy greens aren’t the only reason I’m been alive and truckin’ this long!”
‘Yup, you have it too. Sorry, babe.’ NOT ME TOO! I was so grossed out. I was itchy. Why us?!’: Mom relives horror of 4 kids infesting home with lice, urges other parents to ‘admit’ when family has it
“We were standing at the bus stop when my daughter was scratching her head. Um, why is she scratching so much? I watched her for a minute, and could tell this was serious. Instant panic. LICE! My whole body went into hysteria. I had 4 thick, curly heads looming before me. Crap, what about my OWN head? Oh God. Tim… please… check… my… head… He parted my hair, examining it with his phone’s flashlight.”
