I wasnt even near him, actually means, I was standing directly in front of him trying to touch his eyeballs with my eyeballs. You will learn to like Blippi. Because YouTube will show you other videos that are SO MUCH WORSE, HOLY CRAP.

“Our babysitter is expecting her first. I thought about stuff I want to tell her in preparation for motherhood. And then I got home and unloaded 17 bags of groceries that somehow did not include the ONLY two items I specifically needed. Probably should warn preggo about that.”

‘The receptionist says, Peter will be out with you soon. I smile and think, Peter? Peter better be a girl. Don’t panic. He says, Laura? Real slowly. I sigh and say, Yep that’s me. FML.’

“I never get pimples on my back. Never… but occasionally my body says, Hey, remember what it’s like to be 14? Well here’s an eruption for you and I got a real big juicy one right in the middle of my back. I think it’s all good because, she’s a woman, she will get it. ‘No no no No. NO.'”

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