babysitter

Working Mom

‘Society to working moms: Date your spouse! It’s important to keep your relationship fresh. Hire a babysitter, they charge 22+ dollars an hour, so take out an extra mortgage to afford this.’

“Go back to work 6 weeks after having the baby. The baby you spent 9-10 months growing inside of your body. Make sure to break the glass ceiling and excel at your job – you can do anything a man can do! It is your job to show society this! Show the world that women can do it all. Rise to the top of your career.”

‘Caleb fell off the couch. Something is wrong,’ my babysitter’s boyfriend told me. My heart stopped! ‘I’ll be right there!’ She was holding my son who was NOT crying. His eyes were closed.’

“I went back to work after maternity leave. I felt pretty good about the babysitter I found. She had a baby of her own whom she stayed at home with. I met her boyfriend (father of her baby). For two weeks, I went over on every lunch to check on him. Then I got the phone call.”

‘I wasn’t even near him,’ actually means, ‘I was standing directly in front of him trying to touch his eyeballs with my eyeballs.’ You will learn to like Blippi. Because YouTube will show you other videos that are SO MUCH WORSE, HOLY CRAP.’

“Our babysitter is expecting her first. I thought about stuff I want to tell her in preparation for motherhood. And then I got home and unloaded 17 bags of groceries that somehow did not include the ONLY two items I specifically needed. Probably should warn preggo about that.”

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