battling miscarriage

‘I stood in line, filling the medication that would remove the life within me. I looked at my fiancé. ‘I’m going home and grabbing my camera.’ If I didn’t do this, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.’

“I headed to the hospital. I remember being in the room, feeling blood dripping from my body. I watched my friend’s body bleed simultaneously, signs of life, as she waited to bring her baby into the world. A life leaving and a life beginning all in the same room at the same moment. I was transfixed.”

‘If I drink beer, maybe they’ll like me.’ ‘Maybe if I smoke this.’ Their words cut deep. I was desperate for acceptance. When it wasn’t enough, I stopped going to class and flunked with all F’s.’

“I thought the bullying would stop when my mom died of cancer, but it returned full force. I remember being yanked off my feet by my ponytail, blood running down my leg. I still wasn’t good enough, so I dropped out. When I returned to school at 31, a mother of 3 kids, I thought the same failure awaited me again. I was absolutely terrified.”

‘I blacked out and collapsed. ‘We’re taking your baby,’ I heard someone say. I woke up not knowing where I was. I tried to tell them I was in pain, but couldn’t talk.’

“I saw nurses running back and forth. My parents waited for the helicopter to land. ‘They have to do surgery right now or she’ll die.’ My husband pulled over, went behind a building, and cried. ‘How am I going to raise 4 kids alone?!’ My oldest son was too scared to touch me. ‘I’m scared I’m going to hurt you, mama.’”

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