CHD

‘Mom she’s gone, I just know.’ I sat on my stairs with my front door open, in shock.’: How this ‘broken’ mother helps other parents of child loss heal after her own tragedy

“Seeing my sweet baby girl laying in a huge bed, much too big for her, made me fall to my knees. A nurse said to me, ‘Get off the floor, it’s so dirty.’ I was angry at her, I was angry at the hospital chaplain placing his eerie hand on my shoulder with no real comfort. No parent should have to write their child’s eulogy, or decide between a casket or an urn. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.”

‘Is he gone?!,’ I yelled. It wasn’t my husband. He was so excited to be a dad. He was born to be one. I held his hand, telling him how much his unborn son and I loved him.’

“Scott just started a new job. We bought a house and were moving. He started not feeling well, but we attributed it to the stress of everything changing in our life. He went to work after getting me settled in the hospital. When he came back, he looked pale. I told him to get some rest, I would be just fine.”

‘Have you been taking fertility meds?’ No! We tried for 1 child, and spontaneously got 3. TRIPLETS! It felt like, Us: ‘Let’s have another kid.’ Universe: ‘Hold my beer.’

“We had a narrow window to get pregnant before our son’s next heart battles. By week 7 I knew something was different. I remember turning to my husband and telling him, ‘Either pregnancy as you get older is exponentially harder, or we are having twins.’ I’m pretty sure that sealed our fate.”

‘We are having a problem. Your baby is floppy and turning blue. She only has a 50% chance of surviving through the night but we’ll do everything we can.’ 

“I woke up suddenly to the sound of my husband’s footsteps coming up the stairs to give me his phone. ‘Something has happened to Drew. He’s had a seizure. We were on our way to the park.’ I remember thinking to myself, ‘I have experienced seizures in the past. He’ll be OK.’ Second phone call. Everything was a blur.”

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