guilty

‘Get back in the car!’ I almost killed my boyfriend. Screaming, threatening his life, I was blackout at 3 p.m.’: 27-year-old overcomes severe alcoholism, loses 40 pounds, ‘I couldn’t have given myself a better gift’

“I was leaving work to go to the liquor store, buying fifths of whiskey and drinking them in the parking lot. Taking shots by myself. In my drunken rage I drove off wildly. With no regard for anyone else’s safety. I don’t remember it. Hell, I don’t want to. I stayed in my room for 3 days and cried. I couldn’t look at anyone. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t even move. I was done.”

‘To my child who gets dragged from place to place because of your siblings, I have guilt. We go to THEIR play spaces, sports, summer camp pickups. And you are constantly waiting.’: Mom apologizes to her ‘drag-along child’

“You wait as I get your siblings ready for the day. You wait as I break up their fights. You wait as I load them into the car, in tears of frustration because you need me, but I need to get them somewhere by a certain time. I don’t get enough chances to take all of you in, to enjoy your coos and smiles. You don’t have all of me.”

‘My pregnancy crushed my stepkids. The mom and dad they’d known were gone, and now we were bringing a baby into their lives.’ Mom feels ‘remorse’ for bringing child into ‘complicated’ home

“I mourned that my daughter couldn’t be welcomed into the world with joyful innocence. She’d be born into a life of sharing Christmases and summer vacations. A life where daddy couldn’t tell mommy she was his first and only wife. I had to bury the dreams of what I THOUGHT motherhood looked like.”

‘Motherhood is really tough.’ You’d think, ‘Well that’s crap.’ Birth was traumatic. As a child of sexual abuse, a traumatic birth can be very re-triggering. I didn’t count on that.’

“I expected to be handed my baby like I was Beyoncé in a floral garden and the heavens open up. Instead, I felt like a potato cake seagulls were fighting over, one stitching me up, one folding my boob like a hamburger to stuff in my baby’s mouth, and one pressing so hard on my stomach I thought she was going to touch my spine. Yep, didn’t count on that.”

‘I got knocked up by the first guy I ever met from Tinder.’: Woman courageously places son for adoption after unexpected pregnancy

“‘I want to build us a van to live in. We can show our kid the world.’ I wish I remembered exactly what he said—I was rage-deaf by that point—but it was something like that. That was the moment I knew we weren’t going to raise this baby. I opened my eyes to look down, seeing my son half-entered the world, half-still part of me. My head fell back, I bore down, and he was born. He was quiet, the room was silent. I could feel their worry, but I wasn’t worried. I knew he was fine.”

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