labor

‘Motherhood is really tough.’ You’d think, ‘Well that’s crap.’ Birth was traumatic. As a child of sexual abuse, a traumatic birth can be very re-triggering. I didn’t count on that.’

“I expected to be handed my baby like I was Beyoncé in a floral garden and the heavens open up. Instead, I felt like a potato cake seagulls were fighting over, one stitching me up, one folding my boob like a hamburger to stuff in my baby’s mouth, and one pressing so hard on my stomach I thought she was going to touch my spine. Yep, didn’t count on that.”

‘I’m not attached to my baby. There, I said it.’

“It’s a harsh reality to admit, and I’m sure I’ll get a few gasps. But it’s the honest truth. And I know I’m not alone. I shrug off compliments from strangers about my pregnancy. This is my coping mechanism.”

‘You catch this baby, or I will.’ My son’s father fainted. He woke up, saw our newborn, then left to smoke. He returned smelling of cheap beer and cigarettes.’

“‘I’m taking our son,’ he said. It was snowing and he was wasted. ‘He will not take my child like this.’ My grandmother walked in from church. ‘Take my son and lock yourself in your room!,’ I screamed. He got in his car and sped off, fish-tailing down the snow-covered road. Hours later, he returned.”

‘Hey Dad, I want to raise your son. I want him as my own,’ I insanely told my dying father. ‘I didn’t want to put that burden on you,’ he said. He died just 18 hours later.’

“‘Adopt him. You’re supposed to be his mom. You’re the one. Tell your dad. Tell him now.’ My dad visited me in dream. I was standing in a white room. He walked towards me holding a baby wrapped in a light blue blanket. He handed him over, smiled and kissed the baby’s head. When I woke up, I knew.”

‘I yelled to my husband, ‘This is the only child you’re getting, I can’t do this again!’ The doctor had to take the baby out in a split second. He was purple, had the cord around his neck, not crying.’

“The waiting game absolutely killed me. I was crying, desperate and confused. I felt like somebody was trying to take my baby away. My husband and I had to plan to spend time together. Our marriage and our relationship come before everything, and we don’t take it lightly.”

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