mom humor

‘Yup, you have it too. Sorry, babe.’ NOT ME TOO! I was so grossed out. I was itchy. Why us?!’: Mom relives horror of 4 kids infesting home with lice, urges other parents to ‘admit’ when family has it

“We were standing at the bus stop when my daughter was scratching her head. Um, why is she scratching so much? I watched her for a minute, and could tell this was serious. Instant panic. LICE! My whole body went into hysteria. I had 4 thick, curly heads looming before me. Crap, what about my OWN head? Oh God. Tim… please… check… my… head… He parted my hair, examining it with his phone’s flashlight.”

‘I have to go the bathroom,’ my husband says, handing me the diaperless baby with poop on his hands. He rushes off.’: Mom quickly realizes she does NOT want another child after initially thinking she does thanks to friend’s precious newborn

“I met my friend’s new baby! I smelled the newborn goodness. I watched her little mouth open while she yawns and holds my thumb. Then, I felt a familiar sensation… my ovaries start to go off like firecrackers, like my little uterus has pressed the red button and is screaming MAYDAY! MAYDAY! We need a fetus!! I message my husband saying, ‘One more?'”

‘Are you kidding me, mom?! Help me!’ It’s an explosion of epic proportions. Do we salvage this outfit? Heck. NO!’: Mom hilariously recounts every mother’s worst nightmare, the diaper blowout

“It’s so goopy. It’s E V E R Y W H E R E! In crevasses you didn’t know existed. It’s up the back, and down the legs. More creeps onto your hand with every wipe. You’re gagging. You pick baby up and hold him Lion King style, praying that none splatters onto the floor as you shuffle towards the sink. ‘This isn’t that bad… this isn’t… that… bad…’ You’re trying not to be dramatic. But you’re totally being dramatic.”

‘Be baseball ready!,’ coaches yell. Each player squats down for 4 seconds before returning to shenanigans. Honestly his favorite part? ‘The snacks!’: Mom hilariously describes 5-year-old son’s ridiculous ‘zero attention span’ during T-ball

“For 20 minutes, these boys stand in the outfield waiting (hoping!) for a ball to get hit their way. Do you know what those boys are doing during that time? They’re looking at flowers growing in the grass. They’re kicking dirt around. They’re discussing the Paw Patrol episode where they save some big purple dinosaur. They give ZERO cares about the other team batting. Like, at all.”

‘I need to let you in on a secret. There is a block of time known as the ‘witching hour.’ Mom hilariously recaps these ‘God forsaken hours’ where kids ‘whine,’ ‘amp up their crazy’ and ‘there may be blood’

“Now is typically when you, my love, call and say you’re running late and will be home ‘soon.’ WELL ‘SOON’ ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH. The hours have been counted. I’ve been waiting. I’m already 6 feet past the end of my rope, and bedtime can’t come fast enough. I need relief. IT’S YOUR TURN.”

‘I had a great 4th of July. Except for the part where I almost died. I ate macaroni salad. I didn’t realize it was different, until I was SURE I tasted fish. Not just fish, but CRAB. I was convinced of it.’

“My ears started to burn. My lips tingled. My thoughts consumed me. My brain went into overdrive. The voice inside my head started panicking and screaming into my itchy ear, ‘That’s it, you’re gonna die.’ I had to act quickly before my throat closed and my hands seized. Then, I saw it. It took my breath away.”

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