sadness

‘Since you’re 30 weeks, we do a mental health evaluation,’ she said matter-of-factly. I hesitated. ‘Uhhh. Okay.’: Mom shocked to be diagnosed with antepartum depression, depression during pregnancy, after nurse midwife surprised her with ‘mental health evaluation’

“Immediately, the nurse midwife started asking me questions. ‘In the last 2 weeks, have you had thoughts of harming yourself or taking your own life most days, some days, or not at all?’ Me: ‘Most days.’ My throat became dry and tight. I couldn’t hide it anymore.”

‘What? No hands?’ The Universe chose me to be Ivy’s mom.’: Mother learns of daughter’s limb difference, refuses terminating pregnancy because ‘she was ours to love, protect’

“Missing both forearms and hands. This felt like a punch to the gut. It stole my breath. My husband firmly, passionately said to me, ‘I’ll do whatever I have to do to take care of her. I’ll build her anything. I want her. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll take care of her for the rest of her life.’ He was right. She saw me and said, ‘Yes. I want her. I want HER to be my mommy.’”

‘He should get his affairs in order.’ My heart stopped. WHAT? I immediately broke down. My biggest fear and worst nightmare had come true. ‘I don’t want to put you all through this,’ he said.’

“I was at home when I got a call from my husband. He was at the hospital, and then he said the 4 words I never expected to hear. ‘Okay, what now? What do we do?’ I was furiously texting my mother-in-law, ‘It’s not good.’ I just wanted it to stop. I couldn’t believe what was happening.”

‘My kids were unplanned and accidental. I never wanted to be a mom. I don’t enjoy playing with my kids. I don’t like being touched or needed.’

“Every single day, I feel resentment, sadness, frustration. I reminisce about my lost freedom. The days I would wake up with energy, pull out my to-do list, and get everything done. The days when I could hop in the car and run a quick errand, take a nap, or shower whenever I wanted. The days I could set BIG goals and actually attain them.”

‘I threw my baby in a dumpster. No goodbyes, no tears.’

“My hands shook as I grabbed a Dixie cup and gently scooped this little piece of flesh, my heart, my blood, from its watery grave. A moment later, I left the bathroom. My little burden wrapped in paper towels, and put it in my purse.”

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