“My mom held my hand in hysterics as we buried the only man I had ever called ‘daddy,’ the man she married when I was a young child. My fears were justified. I spent 8 months in the hospital. Why am I sick when my parents struggled to have me?”
‘It was assumed he fell asleep behind the wheel. They didn’t know they were parents the day of the accident. I was their miracle baby.’
‘What now?,’ is all that ran through my mind. ‘How did this happen to me?’ All the voices in the room disappeared. I was washed on a metal table with hoses that hung from the ceiling.’
“He instilled in my mind there was better out there. Someone who he didn’t have to help when I wasn’t feeling well, someone who he didn’t have to go to the ER with, someone who was ‘normal,’ who’s body was not scarred up. I said to my dad, ‘I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take this anymore.'”
‘I was in front of my mirror at age 13. ‘This is not your fault. I love you so much and I am still your daughter. I am sorry.’ I didn’t want my parents to blame themselves for how messed up I was inside.’
“After one day of exercise I walked into my bathroom and began removing my sports bra. I collapsed to the ground with debilitating chest pains. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t yell for help. I thought I was dying when I had finally found reason to live.”
‘I wondered why my doctor had such a grave tone when she gave me the diagnosis. This sounded like no big deal at all. There was finally a name for this mysterious illness! Boy was I wrong.’
“When I was riding the subway, I started to feel a little dizzy. I physically could not move. When the doors finally slid open, I spilled onto the platform packed with hundreds of commuters. My breathing and vision slowly returned. I finally realized this was serious. It had to be my priority.”
‘At 12 years old, symptoms began to manifest. I had joint pain in my knees and mouth sores on my gums. Food gave me belly aches. Aside from winter colds, I never was sick.’
“My parents were concerned. I had lost weight and they could see changes in me. I was 13 now, in the hospital to stabilize my 80-pound body. My parents were frustrated I followed ‘the rules.’ ‘If I thought the day of my diagnosis was life-shattering, this day would change the whole trajectory of how I lived my life.”
‘I didn’t feel like a 20 year old. My doctors didn’t know how to help me. Their best advice was for me to ‘just get pregnant.’
“I was always told that period pain was ‘normal’ and that I just have a low tolerance to pain. I once had a doctor tell me, ‘I don’t think you are in that much pain, I think you are looking for attention.”
‘I knew something was very wrong but no one would listen to me. ‘You’re just depressed. Take some Zoloft and meditate. Everybody deals with pain. Take some Advil and suck it up.’
“‘She’s gonna need to open her eyes, sit up, and be able to answer my questions or we’re obligated to take her to the hospital,’ the other EMT chimes in, as if I have a choice in the matter. A group of my friends are standing right outside the door, praying for divine intervention.”
‘This is it Kassandra, you’re going to die, so let go. I hope everyone knows I love them.’ No more than a second later, I said to myself, ‘It’s okay, don’t be afraid. There’s nothing you can do.’
“Candice started smacking my face and yelling my name to get me to respond.”
‘I can tell by the tears in your eyes no one has believed you, have they?,’ he asked. ‘No, they haven’t.’ He then replied, ‘Well I believe you.’ I had felt like a crazy person.’
“This man was 11 years older than me. We ended up getting married. I felt pressured into this marriage, as if I had no other option. So I did. He had dark secrets. I remember screaming for help. But no one would.”
‘I went into anaphylactic shock and had to be given adrenaline to keep me from dying. My body turned red and I started to pass out. She had to speak to me through the doorway.’
“There was something wrong with my body. I was told my illness was all in my head. Was I really crazy? Something deep down inside of me knew I wasn’t.”