This isn’t just a toilet bowl.
It’s a metaphor for a communication problem.
It’s because I bought a toilet cleaner. To minimize the time scrubbing skiddies from the toilet. I noticed when I flushed it there was only one spot where it would get enough water to make the bowl soapy and clean, right at the front. (Its environmentally friendly so don’t worry there). The only place it would work was if I put it at the front of the bowl.
Every time I went to the toilet after my husband, it was moved to a different spot and I’d move it back to the sweet spot, back to the front.
For days, this went on. I’d move it, he would move it out of the way and I’d move it back. Both never saying a word to each other and never explaining why.
This upset me, and I didn’t know why. I didn’t talk to him for a few days and when I finally was ready to talk I angrily blurted out, ‘I’m upset with you because you moved the toilet cleaner.’ He laughed, this made me cry.
Because it wasn’t the toilet cleaner. It was everything, everything I expected him to know but didn’t. All the things I was tired of saying because I didn’t want to seem unappreciative or nagging. Because he’s a good man. A good dad.
But I was angry.
Because my work is never done.
From when I wake up till when I crawl into bed and rest my head on that pillow.
Because I felt undervalued.
Like I didn’t matter.
Because my life changed dramatically after having children and his life went on being normal.
Because I was the person looking after the kids as a ‘stay at home mom’ with no job, more was expected of me. I am expected to do everything. Feed the family, keep the house clean, look after the children, even when I return to work, I will keep on having to do that. And I’d keep having to scrub the toilet and clean those skiddies.
I was angry that just because I can do it all, doesn’t mean I can and just because I do it all, doesn’t mean I should.
I’m embarrassed to ask for help, I don’t feel deserving to say I need more help, when you grew up with a mother who worked, cooked and cleaned and never complained about a thing, who would still do your ironing for you because I don’t know how.
But I need it.
All of it.
I need you.
I need you to understand that sometimes I feel trapped with responsibilities while you are free
To understand that even though I don’t work, my job never stops.
That if I don’t ask you for help, it doesn’t mean I don’t need it.
That just because I can do it all, doesn’t mean I can…and just because I do it all, doesn’t mean I should.
But mostly, I need you to stop moving the toilet cleaner. Seriously.
And I need you to help us so we don’t flush the love we have away, because lack of communication builds resentment, but there are some things I shouldn’t have to say like, I need you.
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