‘We hear a large fart followed by some plops in the toilet. My son’s face starts to light up and his eyes widen. ‘Wow, did you HEAR THAT MOMMY?”

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“A week ago, we went to drive in movies for kids…

I noticed Luca hadn’t peed in a long time, so I thought we could go together (responsible parent)! He denied needing to go as usual, but I dragged him there anyway.

I need to say, in the evening the real Luca comes alive… he loves to talk, A LOT.

We head into the toilet and one cubicle is occupied. Luca being Luca stuck his head down and could see someone wearing runners/sneakers, ‘Ohh there’s a man in there Mommy?’

‘No. No man just go to the toilet.

This person is clearly in there trying to take use the bathroom in peace and enjoying the serenity and now we have entered so I keep telling Luca to just do his business, so we can get outta here.

‘But what is the man doing Mummy?’

‘It’s not a man Luca, it’s a woman, we are in the female toilets.’

‘Okay… Ohhh Mummy you’re SOOO crazy. It’s crazy. Maybe the man is scary. Maybe he’s a zombie and he has funny eyes’

We hear a large fart followed by some plops in the toilet (what? I don’t know how else to describe it! Even as a grown woman)

And Luca’s face starts to light up and his eyes widen as I’m trying to help him with his pants, so he can pee. ‘Wow did you HEAR THAT MUMMY!?!’

‘Okay do you need to do wee? Or poo?’ I said trying to ignore him.

‘Poo!’ The kid who didn’t need to go needs to poo. He’s like an adult you see, he wants privacy, so for the little boy who didn’t want to go to the toilet I had to stand outside squeezing my legs together and holding the door ajar, so he would have his privacy.

‘I’m gonna do a BIG POO LIKE THE MAN!’

‘Ohh shhh Luca’

I’m trying not to pee myself laughing, literally.

Luca also starts farting and spraying the bowl… ‘you hear dat man? I’m doing poos like you.

Come on! Let’s poo together! Come on! Squeeeze! Good job! You can do it!’

I’m there kinda laughing silently hoping this person isn’t embarrassed by my turd of a child.

‘Oh, this is a big one Mummy. I ate too much popcorn. Maybe the man has a big one too. Maybe the man has stuck in his bum and he can’t get poo poo out. It happened to me and the crocodile bit my bum and took all the poo!’

He starts laughing uncontrollably. Sometimes I think this kid smokes some pot when I’m not looking, because the stories he comes up with.  The other cubicle is silent, and I start to worry it is actually a man or a creep waiting… then I hear some releasing noises and feel a little relief.

‘Ohhh whoaaaa the crocodile came and got the man’s bum Mummy!!’

I’m dying! Like of embarrassment and trying not to laugh and literally holding in all that is mighty not to pee myself. Other people come in and can hear Luca commentating his poo, and a little girl asks me what he’s doing in there, I said, ‘lord knows’ and she starts talking to me how she’s turning 12 and Luca wants me to open the door, so he can talk to her while pooping. Anyway!

‘I’m finished!!!’ He announces so I wipe his bum and quickly try to pee while he tries to open the door to everyone and embarrass me once again.

We get out and I wash his hands and mine and the person in the cubicle comes out and it’s a young girl who smiles at us, and I apologize to her. Then Luca comes running up to her and says, ‘good job!’ And goes to high five her and then quickly puts his hand down and says, ‘Ohh you haven’t washed your hands and you did a big poo… ewwwwww no thanks poo hands!’

Sigh.

I learned that day that it can be his Dads job to take him to the toilet AND to really watch what I say to him and how much I swear lol.

Anyone who knows Luca knows this is just an ordinary day. Today a man laughed heartily, and he asked me ‘is that Man evil like a VILLAIN??’ Lol ahhh kiddo.”

Laura Mazza

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Laura Mazza of Mum on the Run, where it originally appeared. Submit your story here, and subscribe to our best love stories here.

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