‘When my kids were babies I fantasized about sleep. In my most desperate times I’d volunteer to be the road the matchbox cars would drive on to shut my eyeballs. I was so tired.’

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“When my kids were babies I legit fantasized about sleep. I’d wake up in the morning after a long night and plan out when I might be able to take a nap.

Then I held on for that moment.

In my most desperate times I would do anything I could to rest and would position myself in their play to be any part where I could lay down…I’d volunteer to be the road the matchbox cars would drive on if the kids would let me shut my eyeballs.

I was so tired.

And I was sure someday I would sleep again. I would take back my life once these kids didn’t need me to feed them all night or rock them or when they were no longer getting up ready for the day at 5:00 am… ready for their mom/waitress to make their meal, which was not unreasonable as they couldn’t yet pour a bowl of cereal let alone milk.

Well, my kids are tall now.

They can get their own cereal.

They even like to sleep until noon.

And yet I still wake up planning when I might be able to get a nap.

I am so tired.

Because now I’m up until all hours with bigs doing homework or wanting to have the conversations they weren’t ready to have earlier. Or I’m working to get done any of the things that fell by the wayside because I’ve been driving around in my van/taxi all the hours.

I’m still up at night now wishing for the days when how long I would continue to nurse them was the big problem. It feels like that would be easier to solve than whether or not my baby is ready to move across the country for college. #itwasntatthetime

And when she goes, I’m guessing I still won’t sleep because she won’t be under my roof.

You guys there are a million reasons moms aren’t sleeping.

And those reasons change but don’t go away just because our kids grow.

We are all so tired.

Because tired is how you feel when you’re giving all you can.

To your sweet little babies.

And scared of the dark toddlers.

And worried school-age kids.

And angsty overwhelmed teens.

We are giving our all friends.

Someday we will sleep but the odds are it won’t be today.

We are so tired. We are so loved. We are so lucky.

Hang in sisters. Close your eyes when you can. Refill that coffee when there’s no nap to be had.

And know the work you are doing is good.

Exhausting.

But so good.”

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Hiding in the Closet with Coffee by Amy Betters-Midtvedt. The article originally appeared here. Submit your story here, and be sure to subscribe to our best love stories here.

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